The ‘Driven Parent’: How Early Pressure Can Shape Adult Patterns
Also see my Trauma/ Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents page.
If you grew up with a parent who was always pushing, striving, and measuring your worth by accomplishments, you may have been raised by what Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (ACOEIP), describes as a "driven parent." In her framework, there are four types of emotionally immature parents: the emotional, the passive, the rejecting, and the driven. Each presents a unique challenge to a child’s emotional development.
This post will focus on the driven parent—a subtype that can be particularly confusing for adult children, because it often hides behind a facade of achievement, productivity, and success. While there may have been food on the table and an impressive report card on the fridge, many adult children of driven parents grow up feeling unseen, under immense pressure, and disconnected from their own inner world.
The Driven Parent in Childhood
Driven parents often see their children as extensions of themselves—projects to be molded, perfected, and put on display. These parents value accomplishment, order, and image. Their emotional focus may be on outward success rather than inner connection, and they may struggle to tolerate vulnerability or uncertainty.
In childhood, this might have looked like:
Constant pressure to achieve (academically, athletically, socially)
Praise that was conditional on performance
Little room for emotional nuance or downtime
Feeling responsible for maintaining the family’s image
Being scolded for being "too sensitive" or "lazy"
Children in these environments often internalize the message: I am only valuable when I am achieving. There may have been little space to explore identity, rest, or struggle without judgment.
Long-Term Effects on the Adult Child
As adults, those raised by driven parents may struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, or a sense of never being "enough." Even when outwardly successful, they might experience chronic dissatisfaction, imposter syndrome, or burnout. Their internal world can feel driven by a harsh inner critic—the internalized voice of a parent who always demanded more.
Common patterns include:
Difficulty relaxing or celebrating accomplishments
Fear of failure or deep shame around mistakes
Trouble identifying their own wants vs. others’ expectations
Strained relationships due to high standards or emotional guardedness
Feeling detached from a sense of joy or intrinsic motivation
This is often compounded by childhood experiences of emotional neglect, even if unintentional. The child’s emotional needs were subordinated to the parent’s goals, leaving the adult with a lack of emotional fluency or trust in their inner world.
“When you give up trying to get something from someone who doesn’t have it to give, you begin to build your sense of self from the inside out.”
—Lindsay Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
The Role of Therapy: Unwinding the Legacy
Therapy provides a space to name and grieve what was missing. It can help clients understand the "why" behind their patterns and begin to untangle their identity from the pressure to perform.
In sessions, we might explore:
How early messages about achievement and worth were formed
What parts of the client’s identity feel authentic vs. performative
How to develop self-compassion and a more balanced internal voice
Ways to set boundaries with lingering parental expectations
How to rediscover joy, rest, and intrinsic motivation
At Philadelphia Talk Therapy, I often work with high-achieving professionals who feel stuck, anxious, or burned out. Many of these clients discover that their drive, while useful in some ways, has been a lifelong attempt to meet the emotional standards of a driven parent. Therapy allows them to reclaim agency, redefine success, and feel more emotionally grounded.
Moving Toward Self-Defined Success
The legacy of a driven parent doesn’t have to define your life. With insight and support, it’s possible to build a life rooted in authenticity rather than approval-seeking.
If any of this resonates, therapy might be a helpful next step. You can schedule a consultation to begin exploring these themes in a supportive, thoughtful space.
For more on this topic, read our post on adult children of emotionally immature parents.
Matt Sosnowsky, LCSW, MSW, MAPP is the founder and director of Philadelphia Talk Therapy. For over a decade, Mr. Sosnowsky has provided psychotherapy services in agency and private practice settings, helping individuals overcome mental health challenges, manage life transitions, and find passion & meaning in life.
