What’s Your Attachment Style?
Also see my Approach page.
Do you tend to withdraw or shut down in relationship conflicts? Or maybe you find yourself advancing—seeking reassurance, craving closeness, or needing immediate resolution? A lot of how we respond to conflict, intimacy, and vulnerability has to do with our attachment style.
Attachment theory is one of the most widely used frameworks in therapy for understanding relationship patterns. It offers powerful insight into why certain dynamics keep repeating, why you might feel stuck or unseen in relationships, and how to build stronger, more secure bonds. At Philadelphia Talk Therapy, I often use attachment theory to help clients make sense of their inner world and heal the ways they connect with others. You can learn more about my therapeutic philosophy on the Approach page.
The 3 Attachment Styles?
While there are nuanced subtypes, attachment theory generally identifies three core attachment styles in adulthood: anxious, avoidant, and secure. These styles aren’t fixed traits—they’re adaptive responses formed through early experiences and shaped over time.
Anxious Attachment: Individuals with this style often fear abandonment or rejection. They may seek a high degree of closeness and reassurance from partners, friends, or family. In romantic relationships, this might look like texting frequently for affirmation, feeling unsettled during silence, or interpreting distance as a threat to the relationship.
Avoidant Attachment: Avoidantly attached individuals tend to value independence and may feel overwhelmed by too much emotional closeness. In practice, this could look like shutting down during conflict, changing the subject when emotions arise, or creating distance after intimacy. They might say, “I just need space” or “I don’t like feeling dependent.”
Secure Attachment: Securely attached people generally feel comfortable with emotional closeness and autonomy. They can express needs and boundaries clearly and are able to stay connected—even during conflict. In relationships, this looks like being able to repair after disagreement, tolerate differences, and offer emotional support without losing oneself.
Keep in mind that most people don’t fit perfectly into one category. You may notice anxious tendencies in one relationship and avoidant ones in another. Our attachment responses can also shift depending on life events, trauma, or the behavior of the people around us.
How Is Attachment Style Formed?
Attachment styles are primarily shaped in early childhood, based on how our caregivers responded to our emotional and physical needs. A child whose caregiver was consistently responsive tends to develop a secure attachment style—trusting that others will be there when needed.
In contrast:
If a caregiver was inconsistently available—sometimes attentive, sometimes not—a child may grow anxious, learning to protest or cling to get their needs met.
If a caregiver was emotionally unavailable or rejecting, a child may learn to downplay needs and disconnect from emotion—leading to an avoidant attachment style.
These patterns become internal templates that guide how we relate to others—especially in emotionally charged moments. However, attachment styles are not destiny. Through therapy, self-awareness, and healthy relationships, we can move toward more secure ways of relating.
This framework resonates deeply with the ideas found in the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. The book explores how childhood experiences with unavailable, rejecting, or enmeshing parents leave deep marks on our ability to connect as adults. If you're curious, here's a brief interview with the author that offers a helpful overview.
Why Attachment Style Matters in Therapy
Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer in resolving relationship struggles. Whether you’re dealing with recurring conflict in a romantic relationship, difficulty trusting others, or trouble expressing your needs, attachment theory offers a roadmap.
In therapy, we use this framework to:
Identify your patterns and triggers in relationships
Understand where those patterns came from
Explore how your inner child or past experiences show up in the present
Learn tools to regulate emotional responses and communicate more effectively
Strengthen your sense of self while building connection with others
Attachment dynamics also show up in the therapy relationship itself. If you're anxiously attached, you may worry your therapist is frustrated or distant. If you're avoidant, you may pull back when therapy starts to feel vulnerable. Recognizing and working through these dynamics in a safe space can lead to tremendous personal growth and healthier relationships outside of therapy.
A Simple Case Example
Consider a client named Rachel (name changed for privacy), who described constantly seeking validation from her partner, only to feel more insecure when reassurance was offered. In therapy, we explored her anxious attachment style and how it stemmed from early experiences with an inconsistent caregiver. As Rachel became more aware of her patterns and developed tools to self-soothe and express her needs directly, her anxiety in relationships began to lessen. She also reported improved communication with friends and family, and a more stable sense of self.
In another case, a client with avoidant tendencies described feeling emotionally numb in romantic relationships and frustrated when others expected closeness. In our work together, we explored how emotional distancing had been a protective strategy in childhood—and how it was now preventing deeper connection. By building awareness and gently tolerating emotional intimacy, this client began experiencing more authentic and reciprocal relationships.
How Attachment Work Fits into Therapy
At Philadelphia Talk Therapy, I integrate attachment theory into much of the work I do with adults facing anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, grief, and trauma. Understanding your attachment style isn’t just about insight—it’s about learning how to show up differently in your life. Therapy provides a space to explore your emotional history, practice new relational strategies, and heal the parts of you that learned to survive through avoidance, anxiety, or self-reliance.
Whether you're navigating a breakup, stuck in a cycle of conflict with a partner, or simply curious about why intimacy feels so hard, exploring your attachment patterns can be an important step toward growth.
Reach out today to schedule a consultation.
Matt Sosnowsky, LCSW, MSW, MAPP is the founder and director of Philadelphia Talk Therapy. For over a decade, Mr. Sosnowsky has provided psychotherapy services in agency and private practice settings, helping individuals overcome mental health challenges, manage life transitions, and find passion & meaning in life.
Want to learn more about Philadelphia Talk Therapy and how we help ? Get in touch today.
