Understanding Perfectionism
Also see my Anxiety page.
Have you ever been told you're "too hard on yourself"—but it feels like lowering the bar just isn’t an option? Perfectionism can feel like a double-edged sword: it pushes us to achieve, but often leaves us feeling inadequate, anxious, or chronically exhausted.
At Philadelphia Talk Therapy, I often work with high-functioning adults who appear outwardly successful but feel internally overwhelmed. Whether you're constantly second-guessing yourself, avoiding projects that might not turn out “just right,” or living with a persistent inner critic, perfectionism might be running the show.
What Is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism isn’t just about liking things neat and orderly. At its core, it’s about tying your self-worth to achievement and control. It’s the belief that mistakes are unacceptable—and that anything less than perfect is a failure.
Perfectionism can show up in professional achievement, parenting, body image, social performance, or even emotional expression (e.g., "I shouldn't feel this way"). Psychologist and speaker Brené Brown describes perfectionism as a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels the idea: “If I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame, and judgment.”
The Hidden Costs of Perfectionism
While perfectionism might look like ambition or conscientiousness on the outside, it’s often driven by fear underneath—fear of criticism, rejection, or not being good enough. Over time, this can lead to:
Chronic stress and anxiety
Burnout or procrastination
Harsh self-criticism
Fear of failure or disappointing others
Emotional avoidance or suppression
These patterns don’t usually come out of nowhere. They’re often shaped by earlier life experiences—like emotionally immature or critical caregivers (read more in our blog on emotionally immature parents). In these environments, love or acceptance may have felt conditional—based on achievement, composure, or being “easy to parent.”
Perfectionism as an Adaptation
At its core, perfectionism is an adaptation (sometimes called, "the adaptive child")—a strategy developed to stay safe, accepted, or valued. You may have learned early on that being “good,” “capable,” or “low-maintenance” helped you avoid criticism, chaos, or shame.
These children may struggle with:
Anxiety and worry about making mistakes
Harsh self-talk and feelings of inadequacy
Procrastination or fear of starting
Depression, burnout, or emotional shutdown
Difficulty relaxing or feeling "done"
Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when in fact it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen and taking flight
In Therapy, We Work To...
In therapy, we work to identify the perfectionistic beliefs that drive your internal pressure—often shaped by early relationships or societal expectations. We might explore how these beliefs helped you adapt in the past but now limit your sense of peace, connection, and flexibility. Using modalities like CBT, IFS, and psychodynamic theory, we create space to meet these parts of you with more compassion, curiosity, and flexibility—so they don’t have to work so hard.
Over time, therapy can help you:
Notice and soften black-and-white thinking
Set boundaries without guilt
Reclaim rest, spontaneity, and joy
Build a self-worth not tied to productivity
If This Resonates...
If you’re in the Philadelphia area and looking for a therapist to help you address the roots of perfectionism, I’d be glad to talk. At Philadelphia Talk Therapy, I specialize in helping high-achieving adults build a more peaceful, connected, and grounded life.
Learn more about therapy for anxiety, therapy for depression, or career-related therapy—or schedule a consultation to take the next step.
Matt Sosnowsky, LCSW, MSW, MAPP is the founder and director of Philadelphia Talk Therapy. For over a decade, Mr. Sosnowsky has provided psychotherapy services in agency and private practice settings, helping individuals overcome mental health challenges, manage life transitions, and find passion & meaning in life.
